I think for my entire life I’ve viewed life through the lens of what I can take from it. How do I maximize my career? What can I get from this relationship? What can I learn from this person? How do I earn more money, have nicer things, and extract the most from life?
I’ve asked normal tech-industry/self-help questions like “what can you uniquely do in the world” or “how will you impact the world”, but this is always couched in terms of how it benefits the person asking the question. It’s rarely from a position of being truly gracious or generous with what and how you give to others.
Recently (like, today) I had a slight perspective shift on this. Focusing on what I can take from the world feels like it’s just taking things from me. Sure, I’ve had a successful career, a great family, and generally a fun life so far — but this I think is both despite and dampened by my focus on what I could take instead of what I can give.
I recently shared with a good friend of mine that I do not celebrate things well. Even large accomplishments that take me months/years to achieve. By the time I achieve it, I’ve got a new goal. The next mountain to climb. This isn’t even the worst way I’m impacted by a takers mindset. I believe I’m most negatively impacted in my relationships. Somewhere in the back of my mind I think, “what will I get out of this relationship”, and it doesn’t allow me to really engage with or be truly interested in the other person. To see their strengths, their needs…their real self.
This makes me an, at best, average friend, husband, and leader. That doesn’t give others real life/love, and ultimately undermines my own joy and life experience. Shifting focus to what I can give to a relationship, to a situation, to my colleagues, unlocks so many opportunities with others. I fundamentally believe that humans working together in community is what builds great things. This works when you focus on what you can give, not on what you can take.
This can take on both large and small forms. There is significant power in simply observing someone demonstrating their strengths and letting them know you saw and appreciated it. It is magical being a part of others’ success and growth.
I don’t mean to imply I’m a purely selfish person, but I can see the balance, and it tips to the side of “take.” So my challenge to myself is to start shifting the scales towards “give.” In a real way I think it leads to the type of relationships I really want. To the type of work I really want. To the type of life I really want.
I hope this gives you a similar desire.